Expat Confidential

def: expat
/ɛksˈpat/ a person who lives outside their native country

To be defined as an expat is to be set apart – to be considered separate from the native people of your adopted culture. It’s a word that’s meant to divide not unite. And for this reason, it’s not a label I’ve ever been comfortable with.

Here in Italy, the word for foreigners is stranieri. Those of us who fall under this category know all too well that as embracing and loving as the Italians are to us, we cannot and will not ever be considered ‘one of them’.

We can live in their town, volunteer in their schools and for community events but if a foreigner opens a bar or shop in their village, the locals are not likely to frequent it. Why? Because you were not born in their town and this makes you a stranieri.

It doesn’t matter if you were raised in the neighboring village and are therefore Italian, to them you are a foreigner. This explains why countless businesses set up here in Paciano by Italians from towns just down the road, close down after a few short years.

So where does that leave us true stranieri, us strangers in a foreign land? It means as much as we are embraced by the Italians as part of their community, we need to establish our own expat network if we are to fully thrive in our new home.

Strangers in a foreign land

Note: names have been changed to protect the fabulous

The first night we arrived in Paciano, we were so excited and hadn’t sleep for more than 24 hours from a long, overnight trans-atlantic flight. We couldn’t wait to have dinner at our favorite local restaurant, L’Oca Bruciata. Bleary eyed and famished, we were just about to dig into a much anticipated pizza when along came a lovely American woman who introduced herself to us as Joyce. She said she’d recently moved to Paciano with her husband and had heard of a Canadian couple about to arrive. We were instantly taken with her friendly banter and easy smile and arranged to meet up soon for dinner.

This was the beginning of a friendship that’s gone on to include partnering up to help run the village’s Christmas decorating committee, teaching English immersion in the school system and bringing the town’s Palazzo (Palace) rose garden back to life. For me this is perfect integration – enjoying an expat relationship while participating in activities that better our chosen Italian home.

Nobody does this better than another American villager I will call Marianne. This vivacious, energetic, powerhouse of a woman is the social queen of Paciano. She’s Auntie or Zia to a handful of the village children, having watched many of them grow up in the 15 or so years she’s called Paciano home. She’s knitted baby blankets, brought chicken soup to housebound sick friends, photographed all the town’s major events, and is at this very moment, holding the hand of a dying American expat while he’s spending his last days in hospice. Marianne is the best example of an expat life well lived. Our village would not be the same without her.

Learn to integrate

We know some expats who make little effort to learn the language or to participate in authentic Italian life. They admit to being here for the warm weather and the upside of their currency to the euro. Their decision to live in Italy is about the warm weather and lifestyle. They don’t bother to learn the language beyond a few key words and they tend to gather in expat groups who also don’t speak the language. It’s like they have their own little ecosystem that operates independent of the motherland.

This is sad for both the expat and the Italians in their community. They both miss out on an opportunity to share and grow.

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to real persons, living in and/or around our area is purely coincidental

If you’re going to move to another country, especially where another language is spoken, for the love of God, learn the language!! You don’t have be fluent or able to converse in a sophisticated manner (God knows I sound like a first grader when I speak Italian) but try, just try to show the Italians the respect they deserve by speaking to them in their own language. They are very tolerant and extremely forgiving of your linguistic mistakes. And they will love you for trying.

Find a balance

Too much of anything is never a good thing. This holds true for expat gatherings and social interactions as well. It’s difficult and sometimes exhausting to fit into a foreign culture. Just try going to lunch with a group of Italians where you have to speak the language all day and see how tired you are when you come home. It can make you long for the easy familiarity of your own English-speaking kind. But don’t get lazy with this. Force yourself to find a balance between full-on Italian immersion and expat togetherness.

Strangers who become family

I’ve heard many an expat proclaim they would never be friends with some of the people they are friends with here if they were ‘back home’. This is probably true. In many cases, the only things we have in common are our chosen home and an ability to speak English. Not the best foundation for a solid relationship. Yet beautiful friendships have grown from these roots. Largely because when you are a world away from your native land and without the security of family and long-time friends, your local expats become your family. 

We need each other. To laugh, to cry, to commiserate, to pull each other up, help each other grow and hold each other’s hand when we find ourselves alone, adrift in a foreign land.

To all my expat friends, I raise a glass (okay, two or three) to you today. Thank you for your patience, your kindness and most of all, thank you for your love.

A presto

Anna